A lot of discussion seems to happen around the topic of transgender women in the martial arts without necessarily spending a whole lot of time listening to our experiences or attempting to empathise with our feelings. So I am going to take this opportunity to voice my thoughts and feelings about kendo practice as a transgender woman. Full disclosure, I have no serious credentials as a martial artist: I am nidan in kendo and am probably about average for my grade, having been practicing for almost 5 years. I am, however, a little more qualified to talk about the transgender – specifically the transfeminine – experience, having been transgender for my whole life.
Part One: My Changing Body
I began kendo pre-transition. Although I have always known I was transgender and that I needed to live as a girl and then a woman, but due to a lack of availability of transgender healthcare, a broad social stigma for all things LGBT (especially T), and the certainty that my safety at home would be at risk if I came out, I forced myself to suppress it and suffered in silence.
This is unfortunately an all too common experience, the average age of transition for transgender women being between 27 and 33 years old. For the most part, we all know our true identity for a really long time, but the hostile environment we live in has forced generations of trans people to exist in a body they don’t want and which constantly betrays them. In recent years the fight for humane treatment has won some ground, and we are seeing more people feel safe enough to come out, especially young people.
It is vital that transgender youth are allowed to transition socially, and eventually medically, at a pace they feel comfortable with and receive proper care and support without the fear that I and so many others grew up with. It is impossible to convey how much it sucks to be one of a tiny percentage (<1%) of the population and yet be so completely surrounded by hatred. It is even harder when you are a child.
Important tangent over, the result of all that is that I transitioned as an adult, after forming friendships within budo as a “male”. I was practicing kendo regularly when I started my transition and I had been practicing at a new dojo for about half a year before taking any real steps towards transition. Among the first things I changed was my wardrobe, choosing to dress more androgynously and then “femininely”. I also began to go through the endless and painful process of laser hair removal and electrolysis, dozens of hours to clear out the astounding quantity of hair follicles I had been cursed with by puberty. While that went on my face was left with unfortunate and hard to disguise patterns of hairlessness that elicited numerous awkward questions including one individual at a national event asking me if they were “tribal”. While I went through this early, pre-medical process my dojo mates either didn’t notice or did notice but politely passed no remarks, budo in the west has after all a track record for attracting somewhat fringe folks.
My dojo also welcomed members of the local university club who visited regularly, and since I was already out as gay I knew that this dojo was a safe place for me and I never had any safety concerns about coming out as trans to them. The dojo leadership in particular were proactively welcoming and non-judgemental. There is a lesson here about the importance of creating a safe space within your dojo – in my experience the safety of any group for me as an LGBT person comes down to the character of the dojo leader and their team, simply put: if the dojo leader is nice the students will be nice. And if the dojo leader is an ass – well, you get the picture. Happily, my dojo falls firmly in the former category.
I soon got my diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria and not long after that started taking estrogen (colloquially: anti cis-tamines, anti boy-otics, fem&m’s, etc.).
The effects of estrogen are not immediate. You are effectively forcing your body through a second puberty, most people who go through this process report that it takes at least two years of treatment for the most significant effects to become noticeable. That said, some things happen before others, for example thelarche (that is, the initial development of breast buds) usually happens within 3-6 months of starting while body fat redistribution, the softening of the skin and slowing of body hair growth, and muscular and cardiovascular changes become apparent in the 12-24 month window, at least for me and the handful of other trans women I’ve talked to about this although everyone’s mileage will vary.
All that to say, I was still changing in the wrong changing room while I had, scientifically speaking, pubertal breasts. This was very awkward, and being equally uncomfortable with coming out as a woman while I still looked so irredeemably male, I sucked it up and changed quickly and in the corner.
Personally, the question of how medical transition has affected me in terms of physical capacity is hard to answer. Yes, I am weaker now that I have no excess testosterone in my system – my upper body strength is probably half what it used to be.
For me though, the greater part of kendo seems to come more from the sheer scope and complexity of technique the art comprises rather than from the physical strength of the kendoist – although that certainly plays a part; developing a strong body being a part of the guiding principles of kendo.
All that to say, I don’t seem to be doing significantly better or worse than the other women in the dojo in terms of keeping up with the relentless suburi practice and uchikomi drills, and if I am it is probably because I have the time to go to the gym regularly on off days. Maybe I am missing something, but I have never been able to use what strength advantage I have left to simply power through an opponent and win, and in fact I often struggle against both women and men in my dojo who are technically far more proficient but who are not necessarily fitter or stronger.
What I am trying to say here is that the argument for keeping transgender women who have undergone a few years of HRT from women’s competition is flawed, especially if she began treatment before the conclusion of natural ‘male’ puberty. In Norway, transgender women are permitted on their national squad, a recognition of the fact that trans women are women and deserve to compete on a level playing field – that is, with other women. Putting aside any physical disparity between men and women, I also appreciate the importance of maintaining a women’s category to provide a platform to promote the participation of women in all levels of Kendo competition. You must understand though that if that is your justification, then any such category should include trans women. Anything else is, by definition, transphobic.
Part Two: “Jennifer”
I was in Virginia for shinsa during the recent gubernatorial race, and drove past a billboard that depicted a hairy hand adorned with jewellery pushing open a door to a locker room. The caption read: ““Jennifer” wants to use your daughter’s locker room”. To be clear, Jennifer is not real. “Jennifer” is a strawman created to make people like you afraid of people like me. If a man wants to assault your daughter in a female-only space he won’t waste his time putting on jewellery, much less take a regular shot of estrogen to blend in before doing so.
The irony of course is that people like me are more afraid of people like you.
I have never personally met a trans woman who immediately started using female restrooms or locker rooms once they came out. Most of us are very unsure of ourselves and incredibly anxious not to offend or make other women uncomfortable with our presence. So much so that the majority of us will continue to use male spaces for too long.
Personally, I knew it was time to start using the women’s restroom after two separate events: the first was as I was leaving a restroom and a man walking in saw me and literally – not figuratively – jumped backwards and held the wall in confusion as he scrutinised the sign he thought meant “men” it was very funny to me and I left feeling strangely affirmed. The second was as I was going into a restroom where a man who was finishing washing his hands saw me and firmly told me to leave, expressing himself in colorful and creative language that I will not reproduce here. Sheepishly I left and used the accessible room instead.
Since then I have gotten better at using the correct restroom or locker room when out at events, and have largely unlearned my internalised transphobia about being in a woman-only space. As a woman I belong in those spaces. Ultimately I am in a place now where I recognise that the safety of transgender people is more important than the comfort of cisgender people. If the presence of transgender women in women’s spaces makes you uncomfortable, it is your responsibility to find ways to work through that.
Part Three: MEN!
In kendo, you have to have good kiai. If you don’t, then your ki ken tai will be non-existent and you will never score a point or move up a grade. To most people this should be pretty straightforward: who doesn’t relish the opportunity to scream at someone while hitting them? For a trans woman however, kiai comes with unfortunate baggage.
During puberty, an individual born “male” will go through changes to the vocal cords which lengthen and thicken leading to the development of a deeper, more resonant voice and the appearance of an ‘adam’s apple’.This process is described as someone’s voice “breaking”.
My voice breaking in puberty was incredibly distressing, and I have never liked my voice since. It is such a common experience among trans women that the commonly given advice is to “shut the f*** up”, because as soon as we speak we risk outing ourselves.
When I do kendo, I put on my gi and hakama like everyone else, and my tare and my do. And I am met with the unfortunate realisation that my proportions are all wrong, it is not always possible to “pass” in bogu as a trans woman even before putting on the men unless you can afford reconstructive surgery. So, I already stick out like a sore thumb and then I put on my men and it gets worse.
Bogu is supposed to be the great equaliser. Sure, some people might have a special do-dai or mune but generally everyone looks like a set of bogu when wearing it. However, you can always tell a male body wearing bogu from a female one (at least, my paranoia tells me so) and the realisation that I will never fit into that latter category hurts.
What is worse though is that estrogen does not fix any of the damage done to the voice caused by puberty. So unless you can afford corrective surgery or specialist coaching you end up being a woman with a man’s kiai.
I therefore often get misgendered during class. A senior student or instructor may be giving guidance to my partner for whatever exercise we happen to be doing and they will say something like “you have to take his center like this”, or, “if you don’t make seme he won’t react”, or, someone might be instructing me on my kiai, asking me to repeat it again and again in front of everyone until I do it acceptably. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t intended maliciously, it just hurts to be so continuously reminded that you don’t pass in one way or another, and the thought that everyone is just playing along and doesn’t take your identity seriously sets in and sometimes if it’s bad enough you cry on the drive home. Of course this is something I need to work through, but it is a part of the transgender budo experience that I feel people should be aware of.
I am not asking to be let off from doing kiai, nor am I suggesting the creation of body conforming bogu with trans pride colored do-dai, in fact what transgender people really want is to be treated equally. I am just asking for some perspective, and some patience while I – and by extension the wider trans budo community – work through all this extra baggage.
Most of all, please learn to use the correct pronouns for your trans friends. It does not matter how convincing someone looks, sounds or acts: if you know someone’s pronouns, use them. If you’re not sure, then ask politely and privately. If you get it wrong, correct yourself and move on. Don’t make it worse with over the top contrition – especially in the fast moving environment of a dojo. Apologise later maybe, but really the best thing you can do is try to do better next time. Of course not everyone speaks English as a first language so I am happy to give some grace in such cases, but it is easy to tell the difference between someone who is making an honest mistake and someone who is being deliberately unkind.
Final Thoughts
The guiding principles of the Budo governed by the All Japan Kendo Federation are, per their website:
“To mold the mind and body,
To cultivate a vigorous spirit,
And through correct and rigid training,
To strive for improvement in the art of kendo,
To hold in esteem human courtesy and honour,
To associate with others with sincerity,
And to forever pursue the cultivation of oneself.
This will make one be able:
To love his/her country and society,
To contribute to the development of culture,
And to promote peace and prosperity among all peoples”.
I would like to invite the reader to consider these ideals, particularly what it means to hold in esteem human courtesy toward your transgender kendo siblings. For my part, I think that since transitioning I am more able to work toward those goals. After all, how can one mold one’s body while hating it or associate sincerely with others while pretending to be someone else?
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