#2 One Step Closer: Standing Tall.

On new years eve 2024, I committed to preparing for my 7 dan exam in 2025. My pre-preparation had started a year earlier but I was still a national team coach preparing for the 19th World Kendo Championships. I am a one-track person, meaning I can only really focus on one kendo goal at a time. Especially now that I have a young family and am in an in-between stage in my career. Balancing life is a big challenge but I am very clear that most important thing right now is that I am present for my children and I am a role-model in their life.

I have two young daughters and my heart-felt desire is that they develop self-confidence and self-acceptance at their own pace and in a way that is not achievement-oriented.  I am deeply grateful that kendo has provided a path that I have been able to work on these aspects of myself but it has been a challenge maintain intrinsic (personal development/connection with others) reward motivation in a climate where extrinsic (status/achievement) reward is becoming more and more valued in our kendo community. In this way, I am somewhat relieved and excited by my present goal being the 7 dan exam. It is much more aligned with my core values and what I deeply appreciate about kendo.  

My first kendo training for 2025 was coincidentally a practice that focused on high-level grading. I felt nervous to be filmed and to perform jitsugi in front of others. Although I have performed as a coach and a shinpan, performing kendo felt novel. Stepping up to face my opponent, I recall feeling my heart thumping throughout my body and particularly in my ears that were pressed tightly to the inside of my men. I surprised myself with my kiai. It felt strong and determined. The last year had not been a good kendo year for me and my kiai in that moment represented resilience. I was still here and now I am here for myself, my kendo.

As a self-conscious person, I have never particularly enjoyed watching my kendo but have been previously somewhat relieved that my kendo was better than I perceived it to be. During that first training for 2025, I felt better than I expected in the jitsugi in terms of spirit and mindset. But when I watched the video recording, I was well, rather displeased by how much slower I appeared. I do not feel that slow when I do kendo. I had not filmed and watched my kendo for the past two-years and there was something distinctly different about my kendo.

In the next session that I filmed a month later, I was able to see myself more closely and from all angles. As much as I cringe watching my kendo, I sent the videos to a sensei who has a been a significant role-model and mentor in my life for the past 25-years. We were able to see that my posture and mindset during sonkyo stood out as needing work. My shoulders were rounded and when I went into sonkyo, I noticed that my body and right shoulder tilted forward. I always assumed I had good posture so this was difficult to watch and accept that this is my kendo posture at the moment. How did my posture become like this and how did I become that slow―I wondered.

I suspect that I have been sitting in my comfort zone and not fought hard enough against the aging process and the experiences that have affected my self-confidence and trust in kendo in the last few years. I am not sure that drawing motivation to improve from disappointment is healthy, but seeing myself through my kendo sparked a similar emotion to what I have felt losing in a final or being defeated by a less experienced opponent.  It hurts and those emotions have inspired me to want to be better. Every single day now, I work on my posture at home or at the gym with stretches and strength work.

Something that supported my motivation to improve through this goal and come back to myself through kendo was a comment made by my sensei. He commented “Your kendo is strong and formidable. Your kendo is strong and deserves a little more self-confidence from you! You can put the fear of God into anyone you face…stand tall.” These words of belief had an immediate affect on me. Immediately I stood taller and I felt my heart open when reading the messages of support. The positive impact that these words had reminded me of how being a leader in kendo can be lonely, people rarely give you support, advice or remind you of your strengths. It is not easy to ask for support when needed, or to be your own best kendo sensei/friend when faced with challenges and slumps. Sometimes we all need to be reminded of who we are and what our strengths are to “keep the faith” from others and this can help us to keep moving forward.

At the next training I worked on having a stronger and more set sonkyo. This focus had an immediate impact on the mindset coming into my keiko. As I sat in sonkyo, I did a mental check feeling that my right shoulder was set and stayed set as I stood from sonkyo. This conscious awareness in my body movement flicked on a switch of focus and determination.  I stood taller and my kendo felt clearer and more confident. I also had more energy and the keiko was more enjoyable. I feared that this good feeling would pass and I didn’t want to be over-confident that this would be how my keiko would feel from now on. I tested this focus on posture at the next session, and I was able to get into a similar mind-body zone. I apply this newly found preparation process when I start each keiko. Having the clear intention of standing tall sets a platform from which I feel in control and centred in myself. With that starting point I am in a better position to work on the areas that need improvement. I am learning and experimenting how to genuinely stand tall in kendo and in my life.  Things are starting to look and feel different.

Other blog posts in this series:

#1 One Step Closer: Starting again.

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