#1 One Step Closer: Starting Again.

In the blog series titled “One step closer,” I write about the insights I have gained though my kendo training and relevant experiences outside of kendo in preparation for my 7 dan exam. This writing is not intended to be didactic; rather, it aims to facilitate reflection and articulate what I am learning through kendo, while also showcasing the intricacies and depth of kendo. Specific movements, such as posture and how we connect with others and apply pressure, I believe reflects one’s personality, and by working on these aspects, I think we can achieve personal growth and move one step closer towards self-actualisation.

Starting again.

I was expecting a sense of emptiness when I retired from the national team after dedicating 25-years of my life to competitive kendo, as a competitor and/or coach for my country. I anticipated something similar, maybe a more intense variation of the emotions I had experienced previously at the conclusion of each of the 7 World Kendo Championships (WKC) I had participated in.

However, in July last year after the dust from the WKC had settled, I did not feel any particular strong emotion. I felt numb. It was an anticlimax. Although I do feel a loss of identity, which I am still processing. This is a state which many sports people find themselves in at the end of their careers. I suspect that the feeling of “loss” was less intense as I had already begun grieving my transition out of competitive kendo a few years earlier when I moved from Australia to Sweden. Although this process was not what I had planned for.

When I was the head coach of the women’s and men’s Australian National Kendo Team, we made history by finishing on the podium at the 2018 WKC. Our achievement was incredible and was realised through our team work. I was however personally dissatisfied with my performance as coach. Although most members had positive journeys leading up to the WKC, I had not led the team in a way that empowered all members to give their best performance during the tournament. I accept that I did my best with the experience and knowledge I had, but the experience left me wanting to develop my skills and self to be a better coach.

I have utilised competitive kendo as a way to develop myself, specifically my self-confidence. I believe kendo movements and philosophy, even in competitive contexts, provides a meaningful path towards self-actualisation. So, I had decided to continue coaching after I left Australia as I had “unfinished” coaching business and I also wanted to continue participating in the WKC until equal days and time was allocated to women.

It was a surprise that at the 19th WKC in 2024, women were allocated equal time and women referees were included on the roster. I had not expected these important steps towards gender equality to occur so soon. I also did not expect them to seem so natural, like the WKC had been organised in no other way. I was then left wondering, why had these significant changes not happened sooner? How would women’s kendo look now if these practices were introduced sooner?

In addition to the emotions of disillusionment these changes and ensuing questions triggered, as coach I had not been able to fully use my coaching skills or pursue my “unfinished business” in the coaching environment I was in. As such, I knew it was time to accept the situation and move on before I would move on from kendo altogether.

After my last WKC experience, it has become easier to understand why women permanently leave kendo after national team participation. Perhaps some women feel there is nothing more to achieve or get out of kendo. After all, the cost of national team participation in terms of effort, time, and finances are very high. Perhaps the loss of identity and lack of new opportunities or goals dispirit women to continue. Some may even feel it is not worth persevering conscious and unconscious sexism entrenched in kendo any longer without an extrinsic goal.

These possible reasons that influence women to leave kendo raise important questions. Why do these processes and experiences overshadow the intrinsic rewards accessible through kendo? How can kendo instructors better convey the sophisticated connection between the movements and philosophy of kendo and personal development—beyond competition and the simple principles of technique, physical resilience and physical domination ground in male sporting values and benchmarks.

And here I am. Still in kendo, but dissatisfied that I was unable to achieve what I planned to through coaching and somewhat discontent with my kendo. I am thankful for this indispensible stage in my journey, especially for the meaningful experiences and connections I have made. But now being able to return to focusing on my kendo and personal development through movement has resulted in a sense of rejuvenation and love for kendo.

Fortunately, I have a meaningful goal that connects to my values and will move me closer to self-actualisation—whether the goal is achieved or not this year. Now that I committed to preparing for my 7 dan exam, I feel reconnected to personal development through my physical and spiritual kendo. The lessons have started to present themselves during my training sessions.

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