I had felt all fired up writing up my journey to my 7 dan exam. For a while, I was writing with enthusiasm about all the things I was learning―not just about kendo, but about myself. I did not expect anyone else to read my blog―but several did and sent beautiful messages and expressed kind words in person. Surprisingly, mostly men. My last post was in June―then radio silence. Maybe some people thought I had lost interest in the 7 dan exam or writing about kendo altogether.
Around that time, I started a new medication for menopause symptoms. Writing about my 7 dan exam preparation just didn’t feel that compelling. This also coincided with when I stopped asking for guidance from 7 dan sensei as I felt I needed to work it out for myself and trust myself. After all, 7 dan is a very “adult” grade. You need to walk your own path as a 7 dan. The process was happening internally and I could not write about it.
I will not go into detail on how menopause impacts on women’s life and athletic participation in this post but one thing to note is that it can be disorienting, both physically and mentally. Although women do have varying degrees of symptoms. The fact that menopause is rarely discussed in sporting or martial arts contexts highlights how women’s health is often overlooked or self-silenced. Maybe this shows that so few women continue sports and marks a point where women feel they question their participation as everything can feel just that little more difficult. Not only within their bodies but societal views on women’s ageing bodies―specifically in sport. At this life stage, resilience and reorientation are essential. Women can not allow societal views―or the changes in their bodies―push them to the margins. In many ways, women must actively defy the normative narratives surrounding ageing women’s bodies and capabilities.
It just so happens that this incredibly fascinating life stage is unfolding in parallel with my journey towards 7 dan. Needless to say, it’s a profoundly reflective and transformative time in my life. Although I believed a transformation would occur after I achieved the 7 dan grade in 2025. It is my year―year of the snake after all. On the contrary, a sense of transformation is taking place through not passing the grade. I failed on my first attempt this past weekend. Something has shifted inside me since the result, not only in my kendo but also through my interactions with other people during the grading weekend. I feel now a deep sense of appreciation and renewed love and respect for kendo and its community.
I will however be honest here and say, just after I received the “failure” result, I felt confused, deeply disappointed to the point I wanted to give up kendo. What unsettled me most was how disoriented I felt by the result as I had performed my best and I had showed everything I had focused on in my training leading up to the exam. I executed it with complete presence and focus. I did not have performance anxiety nor feel inferior to my opponents. In the past, I have always succeeded when I have had this feeling. That I did not pass, left me feeling like I had fallen off the side of the earth.
The next day this feeling shifted as I was able to reflect on my grading performance and I had the courage to watch my jitsugi. After processing the feedback from the panel sensei and sensei that are close to me, I could see exactly what was missing from my kendo. Before my grading, I had also said to myself, I only want to pass if I show that I have 7 dan kendo. Passing is not just about holding the grade. In my heart I know I want to embody a technically sound kendo that displays 7 dan level kendo. I do not want to just have a “good day” and pass based on a “performance” that I do not uphold in my day-to-day kendo. I have an image of what I want my 7 dan kendo to feel like and look like and I did not display it on the day. Mainly because it is not yet inscribed in my body or cognitively understood.
What I felt particularly touched by was the attentive support and feedback I received on my kendo during the weekend leading up to the grading. Unintentionally, the feedback I received left me feeling that maybe I was not ready yet to pass my grade. Not to be mistaken with a lack of confidence. I did not want to change my kendo at this late stage. I had to stick with my plan. Which I did and I was content with my decision―although I did not pass.
My own reflections and sensei perspectives I share in this post may be useful to others on the grading train. It is certainly not a bullet train. I noticed some people did not participate in the seminar and attended the grading only. I think there are advantages and disadvantages to this. It may be helpful to attend a seminar that includes a grading if the seminar is grading relevant. On the other hand, I had the expectation and feeling that I was being observed and perhaps the panel sensei had already made their decisions on my grading result before my exam. This is only my perception and I do not think that being assessed prior to a grading is disadvantageous to your kendo development. One thing that I thought may have impacted my grading performance was participating in a mock grading in the morning of the grading. I was not expecting this and I had not mentally prepared for it. Although I was able to utilise the mock grading opportunity to adjust my kendo to perform better during the actual grading, I also felt mentally exhausted. In the future, I will ask for the seminar schedule and decide what I participate in if I have that option.
Some technical feedback I received, other than important fundamentals such as sae, were mainly based on seme. The feedback is relevant to my kendo but maybe also useful for high level gradings in general. For example, the importance of building pressure to make your opponent hesitate through seme and the timing of attacks. To display a calm and strong control of the situation. The basic principle of “semete, kuzushite, utsu” or “pressure, break, attack.” The ratio of shikake/initiating techniques to ōji/responsive techniques should be around 60/40. It is also essential to show a seme that can be seen and felt or ōji/responsive techniques will be executed late and not completely and as though you are waiting. This point can provide your opponent with a platform to shine whether they actually strike you or not.
It may also be helpful to discuss your post-grading emotions with kind-hearted people. Kendo people tend to connect thier identity and self-worth to kendo competition/grading results. Talking through emotions and receiving reassurance and constructive feedback can help people move through and continue their journey with a positive mindset. Trust we are doing our best. My wise friend on the day responded to my saying “I will do my best” before my grading with “just be your regular self and breath.” I am pleased that I was my regular self and now I start moving forward again content with what I am and visualising what I will become.
After the grading, a comment that deeply resonated with me was: “It is crucial that you learn from the shinsa. It does not really matter whether the panel sees you as ready for the next grading.” Learning―that is what I have achieved from this scenario of “failing.” I feel deeply grateful for the opportunity to grade, and for the insightful guidance and support I’ve received throughout this process―thus far. It is a transformational process that will likely begin to impact on my life outside of kendo in new ways. I’ve come away from the grading with a new sense of clarity and determination, along with a renewed sense of intrigue and love for kendo―and an even deeper respect for the people within it. The people we cross paths with and communicate with us are our spiritual guides. This is a special aspect of kendo. I am also very pleased that Stéphanie De Backer sensei of France passed the 7 dan exam. She was the only person who passed on this occasion and she just so happens to be a brilliant woman.
To previous blog posts in this series:
#1 One Step Closer: Starting again.
#2 One Step Closer: Standing Tall.
#3 One Step Closer: Being Comfortable in Open Space.
#4 One Step Closer: Connecting with Ki.
#5 One Step Closer: Connecting and Communicating.
Kate Sylvester Perspectives 